First of all, I would like to say that this blog was created as a way to share the positive experiences that we are going through with our adoption process. It is open for any one and everyone to read and comment. One of my fellow bloggers/cafemom friends accidentally came across a blog that was hurtful and disrespectful to those who have chosen adoption. It was my decision to share her opinion and feelings regarding this blog and I have received a few responses back for posting it. I want to touch base regarding these comments. I apologize here, for everyone to see, if I made someone feel as if I was "Making light of the most painful and traumatic thing in someone Else’s life". by wearing this T-Shirt. The comments I have received, I think are just as judgemental. I have been told to "do my research" and read blogs of birth mothers... Who is to say that I haven't. I have the utmost respect for those women who carry a baby for 9 months and still make the decision to do what is best for their baby; the women who chose the right family to raise their child because for whatever their reason is, they cannot. I was told, "I am sorry you are infertile". I am NOT infertile. Adoption is OUR CHOICE. We want to give a child a loving home because for whatever the reason is, weather they are coming right from the birth mother, or from child services... the place they are at now is not the best place for them.. It is not our decision to put this child in the place that is it in, It is our decision to adopt this child and give it the best, most loving, and safe home possible. It is our decision to love this child as if it were our own.
Please feel free to read our blog, and follow our story.. and understand that in no way am I trying to offend any one by wearing this T-Shirt.. however, I am VERY proud that we are adopting and I have nothing to be ashamed of. I feel that if I had to walk on egg shells every day, and not show my excitement, because it might offend someone who is having a bad day.. then I might as well stay in my room every day, because there is always someone having a worse day than the next person.
I truly hope that those women out there that are hurting so much find a way to heal.
Here is another shirt that I like...
June 9, 2008
I am sorry...
Posted by Waiting Parents at 8:43 PM
Subscribe to:
Post Comments (Atom)
12 comments:
You ABSOLUTELY have nothing to be ashamed of, Kristi. It takes a huge amount of character to apologize to people you (we) may have offended - I am sorry, as well, that you have experienced the anger and wrath of people who are displeased with the way you express your happiness. I will say that the fallout from all of this has given me a larger perspective with regard to the birth mother's experience. I have always respected and will always respect someone who loves her child enough to give him or her a better life than she thinks she can provide - the selflessness of that act alone is amazing. Unfortunately, it seems that the majority of birth parents who lose custody of their children are not those who give them up voluntarily. Regardless, though, that does NOT discount the role the birth parents have played in the lives of their children, and I'm sorry if my original post insinuated that.
The "I am sorry you are infertile" comment was meant for me, I'm sure. Because I can't have children, I will never experience the child moving in my womb, and I will never have the feeling of bringing my child into this world. What I thought was "insensitive and mean" was the "t-shirt lullaby" comment made by the woman who looked for the baby bump on the model of the t-shirt. Rather than sniping at each other for our ability (or lack of) to give birth to our children, I think we should all have respect for each other, not belittle each other's feelings and get along as one community.
You're doing fine, sweetie. Don't let the anger get to you - take it as it comes and make something good out of it. I'll do the same. :) xoxox
Kristi, taking in a child that needs a home is *nothing* to be ashamed of. Indeed, it's something to be *celebrated*, and I can feel your joy from here! Adoption was the best thing we ever did (five years ago, a beautiful little girl from China), and a decision made before hubby and I even married. She's a strong, healthy girl; proud of her heritage as are we *all*.
Honestly, I can feel your joy through the screen. I hope it turns out wonderfully. :)
(And as a Sunday School teacher, I freakin *love* that second shirt, with the heart and the cross. I gotta find that one.)
Respectfully, I think you've completely missed the point.
What I'm reading here is that you've read that the t-shirt does offend birthmothers but you think that asking you to not wear the t-shirt is asking you to "walk on eggshells" rather than asking you to have empathy for women who are hurting.
*sigh* Those women who are hurting are trying to find ways to heal, but losing a child to adoption is not something that one "gets over." It's a life-long hurt.
I don't think that comments suggesting that you do research and read blogs of other first mothers are judgmental at all. I think they are simply trying to be helpful. Those suggestions are simply in the best interest of your future child, after all.
I say this with respect: I hope you can take this in the spirit in which it is intended and open your mind and your heart to the enormous hurt that first mothers experience throughout their lifetimes. Adoptive parents who are able to do that benefit their children the most by honoring their childrens' first parents. It is in honoring our childrens' first parents that we honor our children; it is in honoring our childrens' first parents that we honor our children.
I just ask that you think about this, that's all.
Sincerely,
Judy
adoptive mother
Apologies are un-necessary. This is your blog, your journey and the path that you have chosen to take. You have been kind enough to share this special and meaningful experience with others in a wonderful and positive light.
Your prior posting and observation was simply that...an innocent observation with no mal-intent which was taken way out of context. It's unfortunate that people have been through some difficult and sometimes painful experiences involving adoption both on the biological and adoptive side. I too hope that they can heal from it.
And although people may offer their opinion, advice from their own experiences, trials and tribulations, at the end the outcome and journey is simply different and unique from anyone elses... and I believe that is true with everything in life.
So take it with a grain of salt. You've gone way above and beyond the due diligence that is needed or expected of someone who has made this decision. You are my hero and I deeply admire you for everything you've done.
xoxoxo
Kristi,
I personally applaud you and your husband for reaching out to kids that NEED parental figures in their lives.
It is unfortunate that some readers have blown this t-shirt thing way out of proportion. We should all take the time to remember why these kids were placed into the system in the first place, grant it the system isn't always perfect, nothing is, however the system was created to help and protect children.
I heard a story the other day about a 2 yr old boy who starved to death because of parental gross negligence. The system rescued the other two children and found them a good and loving home. My point is that the system does work and thankfully you two have the courage to open your hearts and home to a child(ren) who needs it.
I was disgusted when I read the negative responses about the t-shirt and hope that they do some research as to why adoption can be the greatest thing for an under-priveleged child.
Wear that shirt with pride and show it around as much as you want. You guys are doing foster care a great service and people should not criticize your happiness.
With respect:
I'm an adoptive mom with two children who are now teens. And although I wouldn't wear this particular shirt, my point of view at the start of my adoption journey was not unlike this one. I saw elevating adoption to the same plane as pregnancy as a way to show pride in our decision to adopt, and in the family adoption gave us.
Nineteen years of parenting my children have brought me to another point of view - that of my children. You see, although they came to our family through adoption, they came into the world through the pregnancy of other women. Usurping their role in my children's lives seems both disrespectful and entirely unnecessary to me.
Some of the comments I read here indicate that their authors see adoption as a process by which children in need of homes find them. Today, sadly, that doesn't always apply. The desire of adoptive parents for infants has created a supply-and-demand situation that has focused many adoption agencies and attorneys on ways to relieve unmarried women of their babies, while older children languish in institutional or foster care.
There are many ways to show pride in adopting. Respecting the women and men who gave our children life and live with their loss, supporting our children's connections to their original families, working for open records are ways to do that.
Again, all offered with respect. Thanks for listening.
And also with respect:
quote:
>I just ask that you think about this
It appears that she has. She just didn't come to the same conclusion/opinion that some apparently wanted her to. It's her blog. You spoke. You requested her to think/read/listen. Well if she's made at least a second entry on the topic now, it seems that is hearing you, and is obviously thinking enough to post again. She just happens to have come to a different conclusion.
It's her blog.
She's allowed to reach her own opninion, even if it doesn't match yours.
In fact, if anything, the fact that she allows you to keep poking at her on her own blog, shows amazing grace in my opnion. (An opinion I'm also allowed too. Isn't it great that we're each allowed our own?)
There is absolutely NOTHING to say sorry about here! What you and your husband have decided to give is as great as life itself...probally even more! To bring someone into your life (literally rescuing them from where they are) to take care of forever is such a commitment and so unbelievably commendable!!!! You both are giving a child or children a chance to have a normal, loving and healthy chance at life that no one else cared to give. You both have done more than I have seen others do, and that itself holds a very important and special meaning to this.
As anyone else (expecting or not) is free to express their happy and exciting time in their lives, THEN YOU SHOULD TOO!Whether it’s wearing shirt proudly, or putting up a sign. It is your life, your time. Nobody else’s. It’s too bad to see and hear of how others can just give negative feedback on something so positive and great. They should take a moment and look at themselves and their lives, what they are contributing in this world, before critizing others. When they have no right to in the first place. Unfortunately people can be so unkind and disrespectful. That’s just plain ignorance. Please do not let this, bother you in anyway. You two are above that. Turn it around, and just think, if it wasn’t for individuals like you both, where would so many children be. Your child (ren) will see this and most importantly learn from you both what it really means to be a kind, loving, respectful human being, and a loving parent.
That is what matters the most.
Be happy, and be thrilled. We love you both so much, and support you every single step of the way!
Love,
RZ, MZ, RZ & MZ
I have adopted 5 children as well as having one of my own. Adoption is a act of love and compassion. There are so many waiting children in the system who all they dream about is someone to love and take care of them. Never feel bad or guilty for your decision to adopt. I was having infertility problems at the time my adoptions started but even after i gave birth to my own son i knew adoption was the way i wanted to finish my forever family. This is your journy. You do whatever you need to. Share it so others can see that adoption is nothing to hide or be ashamed of. Being a mother is a choice for us. Good luck and i am sending you many blessings.
Interesting. You deleted it. How unfortunate. Does your case worker know about this?
Does my case worker know about this? About what?
That I am excited about adopting?
That I am proud that we are adopting?
That I am not ashamed that we are adopting? I sure hope she knows all of that! We are excited to take a child or children out of a Foster home and give them a forever family. A family that they can call their own. Yes, I think she knows all of that! Thanks for asking tho!
The reason I left the other comments, were because they were their optinions (good or bad) but not completely disrespectful.
"Paper pregnant" is really gross. It denies the unbreakable bond between mother and child.
I find it interesting that so many adopters or adopter wannabees always say they will love the adopted child as if he/she were their own. It is both curious and sad that these same adopters never seem to ask the more important question, "Will this child love me as if I am his/her mother?"
Because I can tell you, I never considered my adopters my real parents, they were strangers to me. When I met my real family, our bond and connection was instantaneous. I left my adopters and never looked back. Can you live with that possibility? Sometimes love is not enough. And love has never changed DNA.
You say you are not infertile (only read a few posts here), why don't you want to have your own children?
Post a Comment