I am in a group (online) with other foster to adopt parents.... and one of the wonderful ladies in the group, posted this and I wanted to share it.
"I saw a shirt that says "Adoption is the new pregnant" and I thought it was cute. I went online to see if I could find it, and when I googled it, I found all these websites saying how insulting it was to procreating women everywhere, how it demeaned people who could have babies and one person actually said (are you ready for this one?):"They can take our babies, but they can't take the experience of conception, gestation and childbirth, so they decide to re-define something so elemental and natural that it shouldn't be messed with, at all, to fit the fantasy world of "as if born to."The smugly smiling model wearing this abomination of a message tee shirt can grin all she likes. I still don't see a baby bump. I don't see that glow and the hand on the protruding belly as the baby moves inside. I don't see Dad and older sibs with their ears and hands on Mom's pregnant belly, joining in the natural family experience. I don't see a damn thing about any of it that is real. I sang and talked to my babies while I carried them inside me. Do the pre-adopters sing a tee shirt lullabye?" (http://motherhooddeleted.blogspot.com/2008/04/from-ridiculous-to-sublime.html for those who want to comment...)
Now, at this point, I was livid. For someone who will NEVER KNOW the joy of feeling a baby growing inside me, that was just downright insensitive and mean. I skipped over to another website and found other comments about adoption in general, like the following:"Most adopters are NEEDY ADULTS who have not learned to inner parent.""I don’t think there is any ethical way to adopt a newborn. Certainly there is no ethical way to adopt a baby targeted before birth."And on and on and on. One woman actually quoted Job 24:9, about snatching a fatherless child from a woman's breast, and used it as an argument saying that God is against adoption. That page had arguments on both sides, but from my perspective, it was overwhelmingly in favor of the non-adopters. That site is http://aislin13.wordpress.com/2008/04/01/adoption-is-the-new-pregnant/, by the way.
Now, I know that these are people with strong opinions, and I know a lot of people on this board have strong opinions, and what makes this a great society is the right of everyone to have an opinion whether it's sensible to us as individuals or not."
So any way, I wanted to share that. Honestly, I am not sure why I wanted to share it.. But I just thought it was quite interesting. Here is my opinion:
Adoption is MY way of being pregnant and I LOVE the T-shirt. I think its adorable and I am enjoying it to the fullest! 
17 comments:
I am disgusted by that woman's blog post. Would she prefer women be having abortions or would she prefer children living in orphanges or in abusive environments? Where did you get your teeshirt? I think I want one now :)
From another cafemommer, good luck to you my husband and I are on the same path...I think that the author is waaaaaaay off. So good luck to you. TeeB
Good luck commenting though - I tried - and it was deleted... Guess she can't take the heat.
I love following your blog. Thanks for sharing your story. My husband and I (and our 11 year old) son are adopting through the state also. We are in Alabama. This crap on this woman's blog is so crazy. She is so close-minded and thinks that adoption is still what is was in the 1960s. Bless her heart! I posted a comment, but she has them all being moderated now, so I bet it won't ever show up. This is what I said:
This is so crazy to me. We have a biological child and we are now adopting an older child from the state that has been neglected and surrendered by her birthmother. On our journey to adopt I have not come in contact with any "Rich Baby Kidnappers" only wonderful people who want to open their homes and hearts to children who would have neither otherwise. All children deserve a loving, safe home. Your close-minded views seem driven by your horrible experience from over 40 years ago. For the sake of your family and the sake of society, I hope you get some help and healing. I am sorry for your loss...but, don't judge all others based on your experience.
Hey girl! Thanks for posting my rantings...the comments and support I've gotten make it a lot easier. I loved the reply reminding me that Moses was adopted...hadn't thought of that one! :)
Hi, there. Found you through one of the blogs you link to here. I felt the need to respond to the responses here.
I don't know you, your situation, and in all fairness I have to say I haven't read your blog other than this post. I am an adoptive mom through domestic newborn adoption. I understand and have gone through infertility.
BUT...
I do think it is very important to listen to the words of those women who have placed their children through adoption and understand that for MANY, they have MUCH to be angry about, and REASONS to be anti-adoption--yes, even though they were not part of the Baby Scoop Era of adoption. There have been so many insensitive and unethical things done in the name of "finding a better life" for babies that shirts like those hilighted here add insult to injury.
I hope you and others in your group spend some time learning more about the dynamics of placing a child for adoption as a mother, as well as the dynamics of being an adoptee. Read things that make you think, read things that make you angry, read things that you disagree with. Become sensitive to the issues of those outside the adoptive parent point of the triad. I guarantee you will be a better parent for it. There are things about adoption that we wil never understand, since we haven't truly "been there." The least all of us can do is respect that.
I wish you the best in your adoption journey.
I am not sure how I even found your blog but I have officially read the whole thing and this post made me cry. I, by the grace of God, was able to have a little girl so I am very blessed by that. How insensitive can a human being be? Those people are clueless and selfish. I saw your shirt and thought it was amazing! I was scanning my friends thinking of who I could buy it for. I love it! Wear it everyday! I am so happy for you that you are selfLESS enough to go out and find a child that otherwise wouldn't have a mommy or daddy at all to love them and care for them! I can't wait to read the post where you and your husband come home with your little boy! I know it will happen. I am praying it will happen.
With all due respect, I hope you try to look past the anger and see the hurt that these first mothers feel when they see a t-shirt that says something like "adoption is the new pregnant."
I am an adoptive mother and also a friend of one of the bloggers that you linked -- aislin13. I totally understand her viewpoint. Adoption does come with loss, for the adoptee and for the natural mother. As adoptive parents, we end up with the child. I believe part of the point that the first moms are trying to make is that we need not try to take the pregnancy experience away from them as well. In addition, there's nothing wrong with adoption being different from pregnancy, and it is inherently different. Let's celebrate the differences and not try to pretend that it's just the same as being pregnant and giving birth.
Mama2roo has already given you some great perspective here. I hope you give her comments serious consideration.
It is in giving our childrens' first mothers the full respect they deserve that we can become the very best parents to our children.
One of the ways that you might do this is to try to read some blogs of first mothers -- read these with an open mind and heart and see the pain that losing a child to adoption has left them with. Also read some blogs of adult adoptees. It can only help your future child in the long run.
With only desires for a healthy and happy family,
Judy
WOW-O-WOW!! My Dear Buckley's where do I begin? I am just getting caught up. Sorry for the lag. I am sorry that some "believers" have been misrepresenting their faith!Just know that when you're saved, you become a child of God...ADOPTED!!! It's sooo funny! 'Cause the last few Sunday's at church I've thought of you two & would have LOVED you to hear what the pastor read from the bible. I was so joyous about the entire adoption!! I mean, you guys trying, and we as Christians! It's by the grace of God that we are saved & forgiven, it was done by love!! And out of love, you are CHOOSING to love & give hope to one that may not otherwise have that chance...just like Jesus choosing to die for us,because He LOVED us!! WOW!!
Needless to say, I'm SOOO GLAD we got you that Tee Shirt...NOW WEAR IT OUT!!! LOL
Blessings!
Hi, I came here through Aislin's blog. First I would encourage you to read her blog. Her story will have you in tears. What happened to her should never happen to any woman. You will understand why she feels the way she does.
Secondly, I am glad that you are so excited to add to your family through adoption. And I am so happy that you are doing so through the foster care system! Those are truly the waiting children, not newborns taken from a loving mothers arms - like in Aislins case.
I would encourage you to keep searching about it from a birth mother's point of view. I know that your situation will be very different than my own situation. But like me there are many birth mothers out there that are quitely suffering because they loved thier child so much that they gave them up so that they could have what we thought would be a better life. And when you start reading their stories you will understand the strong reactions to adoption. Btw - my children would have never been in an orphanage or in an abusive environment - they just would have been poor.
I feel that when you say you are "paper pregnant" you discount the seriousness and pain of birth mothers. You take her pregnancy, her pain, her horribly difficult decision and disregard it to make it into something cute. And I find it horribly offensive that something cute is made out of my pain. Think about it this way - would you wear that shirt in front of the birth mom of the children you were fostering? I hope not.
You might not care that you are offending me. I understand that. But know that it is why you get such strong opinions about the t-shirt. It hurts to read/see it - more than it hurt me to see a pregnant woman during my 5 years of infertility with my husband. It hurts to think that you care so little about your future children's first mom that you make something funny and cute out of the pain that everyone (including you) has gone through to get to the point of you getting to be a mommy to them.
I wish you luck on your journey. And pray that God bring the right child/ren to you.
I would like to comment about the negative characterizations I have read about 1st mothers here on this blog. Someone mentioned how it was "insensitive and mean" to point out that adoption is NOT the new pregnant. I wonder if they could see that the t-shirt itself can be seen as "insensitive and mean" by someone else? The way that you are feeling after being reminded of your infertility is exactly how you made a firstmother feel with the promotion of the t-shirt. Putting yourself in someone else's shoes may just open your heart a little bit.
The truth is that you aren't pregnant, and I am so sorry if that is something that you want, I can't imagine your pain. Please extend your empathy to someone else in pain. You want that for yourself no? We all feel pain don't we? It is not any first mother's fault that you can't have children. And adoption, when done ethically, is no less miraculous, yet it is still inherently and completely different. It just is.
Honouring our adopted children means we honour those who gave them life. And love also means being able to glimpse into someone else's life. It could have been you. It could have been me. You could have had your child stolen, your voice marginalized, your inherent worth questioned and mocked. Or discredited due to your 'issues' or 'anger' or 'bitterness'.
I see remarks like clueless and selfish... Ah, to be the one to cast the first stone. Where is your mercy, where have you extended grace?
It's easy to call people names, discredit them, and proudly show off something that is so incredibly hurtful to another human being. It is much more difficult to actually listen to what we don't want to hear with an open heart or an open mind.
Respectfully,
Mara
anonymous wrote:
>Good luck commenting though - I tried - and it was deleted... Guess she can't take the heat.
Yeah, well. She's one of the shrill ones. In the grand scheme of things, especially out there in the real world, there really aren't that many.
I don't know if I should comment. I am an adoptee. I have to say that I am almost in tears after reading your posts and seeing your pictures.
I am in reunion with my mother, and I can hear the hurt in her voice when she talks about giving me away. My heart aches when she cry and tells me about all the things she missed. She wanted a better life for me. We are struggling emotionally now as we try to come together as a family.
I am grateful and love my mother who raised me, but I also love my first mother so much its incredible. Just from the sound of her voice the first time I heard it. I never felt that before.
I know that the time we spent together before I was born was such a strong bonding time that even after being apart for 37 years my heart melts when I hear her.
I am so sorry that you are unable to get pregnant and are so excited about bringing a child into your home. I would just remind you that that child too, will have a huge hole in his heart, along with his first mother.
Be happy and excited to grow your family, but I would think you would also be humble enough to know that somewhere some mother will NEVER get over the pain of losing her child. And the child will never get over the pain of losing his mother.
OMG! We finalize our adoption this fall. I never knew such people existed. I just stumbled onto your blog and after reading this post, I went and looked at that other site.. Now I know there are tons of cruel people in the world, but I never thought someone would actually think adoption is wrong! I'm so livid, I don't know what to say.
Rock on, girl! Adoption is beautiful. Maybe it's not the new "pregnant" but it's just as important. And geeze! Can't people have fun? I think the shirt is cute and kinda funny. It also validates the importance of adoption. Now I want to but one!
Hi. I found you thru an email chain ironically (about new driver laws-thanks for the tips btw! those are expensive mistakes!).
My husband and I are just now thinking about conceiving, but I have always maintained that adoption was the most selfless act someone could make. Taking a baby that wasn't born out of you and raising it as one of your own. I can't believe all the negativity over this insanely awesome choice you are making.
And one question (from a bible reading christian) if God didn't approve of adoption, why would he make animal mommy's adopt other animal babies? It happens all the time, and every time I hear about it, it makes me cry. It's beautiful. And you and your family are beautiful for deciding to venture down this path. *applause*
Apologies for the long comment. :)
Hello. I am the daughter of an adoptee. I am not anti-adoption and I loved my bio and adoptive grandparents equally. I personally feel that the shirt is offensive not only to firstmoms, but to anybody who can understand the pain of a firstmom. These moms have for the most part been treated as a disposable vessel, used only to produce a child for the adoptive parents. When you say things like "adoption is the new pregnant" or "pregnant on paper", you are dismissing/trivializing/minimizing the firstmom's role and bond with the child. You are claiming that you are pregnant and that she (by default) is not. She is just the disposable and insignificant means to your child.
In wearing a shirt like that, you are disrespecting the firstmom of your child who has had to endure the rigors and hardships of pregnancy, bonding with a child she will lose like a death and its lifelong effects. This is hurtful to firstmoms and all who love them. Specifically, adoptees and even adoptee grandchildren. Also, there are situations in the foster care system where a firstmom does not voluntarily relinquish her child. But because of poor choices or lack of a support system, etc. are unable to parent and lose their child. These women receive little compassion and lots of judgement. These firstmoms too deserve our respect and their losses are just as painful. (I am not defending abusive parents).
In closing, I would just ask you to think of others pain and the reasons that such a shirt is offensive. There is nothing cute or funny about another person's heartbreak. What about a shirt that expresses your excitement about your upcoming adoption without offending others? "Soon to be Mom by adoption", etc. Congratulations and good luck with your upcoming adoption.
Hello from a fellow adoptive mother. I've read your blog for the past 30 minutes and am as motivated by many of your commentators as I am by what you've written. I think I could pretty safely say that my husband and I have adopted more children than anyone who has commented thus far, so we ought to rank pretty high among the people who keep writing how great and wonderful adoptive parents are.
So, with that entitlement I hope you'll consider the possibility that those of you who see adoption as only a blessing are not using the eyes God gave you to see different perspectives. The same Bible that tells of adoptee Moses (who returned to his birth family, by the way--not exactly what you had in mind since you're adopting from Russia in order to escape from birth parent interference) also says "love your neighbor as yourself."
The birth mothers and adoptees you are villifying are your sisters and brothers. Your adopted child will grow up one day and will have a mother-shaped hole in her heart that you will never be able to fill. Adoption is a loss for the adoptee, even if it brings great gain and love.
We've been blessed to find and come to know the birth parents of most of our children. Not one ever stopped loving the child. The disdain you feel and communicate to your child's birth family--whom you paint as evil and abandoning--will be internalized by your child, for your child came from "those people."
I hope you will read some adoption literature that your social worker should already have been giving you, books like B. J. Lifton's "Lost and Found," or Jayne Schooler or Lois Melina's work. You and several others commenting here seem to think that people unhappy with the adoption industry are in the minority. This is just not true. In the past month, two international adoption programs have been totally shut down in two different countries because of fraud, child stealing, and child trafficking. There is a great deal of dishonesty in international and domestic adoption, which are usually driven by those who, like you, want a white healthy infant who can't find his or her birth parents. This is not to say that you personally are dishonest; but abuses abound and people have been working for over 40 years to change a system that runs on people who are desperate for children.
My point is that you're new to adoption, you're inexperienced, and it's understandable that you'd be shocked to find that others are upset or wounded by these God-awful t-shirts. I'm a proud and blessed adoptive mother and I would never wear one. I wish I lived in a world where adoption was never necessary, however.
Adoption is not the new pregnant.
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