Foster Care

I have mentioned before that I am in a group, on Cafemom.com that offers support and advice etc.. a lady who I have come to truly admire and look up to posted this the other day and I thought her words were so encouraging and Right On.. that I wanted to share her post with you!
It is long, but trust me.. so worth reading!!!

There was a recent post in group where a family just couldn't deal with the foster system and reconsidered doing foster care. They were asking that their foster child be placed in another home because they just couldn't take the heartache. Instead of hijacking that thread, I am just going to post my own experience here. I haven't been posting much lately........not because there isn't a lot going on here in the house........but because I just haven't had much to contribute. I do read other posts, but by the time I get to them, there are numerous replies that already stated my opinion and I don't want to be some sort of parrot. :)
Okay, we started foster care to foster only. No intention of adopting whatsoever. We wanted short term placements and had this Pollyanna ideal of what we were going to do. I look back at how I viewed foster care and I cringe at how warped my vision was.
We took Chet (aka "Punky") nearly two years ago and my world turned upside down. I wrote journal after journal about what I felt needed to happen, what I thought was wrong with the system, what I wanted everyone involved to do. And then...........at some point in time I began to see this situation through his eyes. What a confusing, frightening and unstable world it was. It wasn't about ME. It wasn't about what I thought or felt or wanted. Even if I was right. :) It was about providing for this boy for as long as he was in my care.
So, long story short........I learned that foster care was NOT what I thought it would be. I learned that my pollyanna ideal was indeed that.....completely unrealistic. And I learned that I was not going to be able to do foster care without falling totally and completely in love with the little people I took into my home. So, through lots of hope and love and fears and joy and sorrow...........and a whole lot of growing on my part..........I went through a year and a half of "the system" and ended up adopting my wonderful son. He is such a blessing. I still get notes and e-mails from people who ask about Chet and want updates on him. I hope that in some small way I was able to encourage others to go into foster care. That said, I had NO intention of taking any more foster kids that were not school age. My theory was that if they were school age, then I would not be that primary bond......that mommy-baby bond would have been formed with someone else and I could survive an older kid going back home. I have not been able to test that theory..........which is probably wrong anyway. :)
I agreed to take Liya at Thanksgiving. Mom was in jail and due to be out the end of January or first part of February. She is NA (Native American) and so the case worker assured me that this would be a short term thing. "Three months, tops" is what she said. Mom was very motivated to work the plan and was going to do several of the steps while in jail. (Evaluations, counseling.....blah blah) and if, for some reason mom took longer.........then the tribe would step in and take little LIya. So I broke my own rule and took a little 9 month old baby into my house.
February came. Mom was going to get out of jail, but had refused to do any of the stuff she said she would. She refused to see the counselor, she refused to have the evaluations done. She totally refused to cooperate with HHS in any way. Mom was released from jail 3 days before the court hearing for Liya, and didn't attend it. She has had no contact with HHS, has not requested any visitations and has not seen Liya since four days after removal. So much for "highly motivated."
The "Tribe" refuses to get involved because mom isn't registered with them. So until Mom's rights are terminated or relinquished...........and Liya can be considered an "orphan" they won't take her. And we all know that the parental rights won't be dissolved until Liya has been in the system for 15 out of 22 months. And then even after that time passes, we have to wait our turn for the state to file.......and that can take several more months.
I wrote a frantic e-mail to a wonderful lady (you know who you are!) stating that I was falling so deeply in love with this baby..........and that another year or two in my home that ended in her being ripped out would surely kill me. We had shared first Christmas, first steps, first words, and a quickly approaching first birthday. She was calling me "mama" because the other kids did. We were getting bonded, and I was not willing to be hurt so deeply. Perhaps I should ask for her to be removed since this was not expected to end well? Perhaps it would be okay to spare my own feelings? I mean, the HHS worker "guaranteed" this was a short placement of three months............Why should I be torn apart, right??
Guess what? I was very gently reminded that this isn't about me. She didn't give my permission to spare my own feelings. I went through a few weeks where I just cried and wrestled with my feelings. I prayed about it, and at one point had told the caseworker she may have to move Liya. I bet you that I have read the reply to my frantically sent e-mail 100 times. And it gave me strength...........it put things back into perspective. I was able to see past the threat of my own broken heart. And I called back the caseworker and told her Liya has a home here for as long as she needs it.
Liya needs someone to love her TODAY. I can do that. She needs someone to make her feel valued and worthy and special TODAY. I can do that, too. She needs someone to hold her, care for her, comfort her, guide her and discipline her TODAY. I can do that. Liya needs to feel safe and secure enough to grow emotionally. She needs to know what trust is, and that she can depend on others. I can do that. And she needs to be accepted and loved unconditionally. I can do that TODAY.
Even if she isn't able to stay here. Even if the result of that is my heart is torn from my chest. Even if I ache for her for months and months after she is gone. None of that is happening TODAY.
So, I want to say thank you to the wonderful lady who I confided in. For making me see (once again) that it isn't about ME. For holding me accountable to the commitment I made to this little girl and to care for her until she doesn't need me anymore. It makes no difference that it wasn't the "three months tops" that HHS stated. She can trust me. She can grow safely and securely in my home. She won't be shuffled from place to place. She will be valued and put first. I will have played an important part in her life.........even if it hurts me in the end.
Liya turned one a few weeks ago. She had a party with her very own little cake to destroy, balloons, gifts and lots of frosting-faced pictures. She was surrounded by a host of aunts, uncles, grandparents, parents and siblings who adore her. My family is wonderfully supportive and accepting of our decision. They are putting their hearts on the line, too.
This morning I woke up to her grinning at me over the side of her crib........drool running down her chin and her clapping and saying , "Mama!" TODAY is a very good day, indeed.